Monday, October 29, 2007
I had the wierdest dream a few nights ago. I feel that it is the worst dream since i last watched some horror movie when i was a kid.
So, wierdest to worst.
But still,the dream is so clear. So clear and defined. So clear, defined and impactful. It felt as if it was just yesterday that the dream happened.
What happened in the dream?
She appeared in my dream. She, my ex-gf. I felt like i was being pulled away from something. And she was pulling me back. She was screaming helplessy to me.
"Don't leave me. Don't leave me"
She kept repeating and repeating and repeating
The situation felt so real.I was feeling the tension of the moment during that period of time. I was sub-consciously still awake and i could really feel someone pulling me.
And the wierd thing is?I woke up next morning, and i found red marks on my hand. The aftermath of red markings that resembles someone's hand pulling me so hard.
I do not know how all this happened but what is the meaning of all these? Is this some kind of sign? What is god trying to tell me? Is she really leaving me? Or just leaving?
I know i still love her.But i just can't see to myself or her get hurt once again.We have known each other for about almost 2 and 1/2 years. On and off. I cant seem to tell her how i feel again.
My birthday's next week. I'm looking foward.Not looking foward. I just want you for my birthday. It would make the perfect 19 years of life for me.
Beers for my real friends, real pain for my fake friends
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
It's been a year since i have started blogging.A year after i have started in this school.Everything seems to be whizzing past me so fast.Can't imagine what's instore for my life next.As i look back at my older posts,i took the chance to do some reflection upon myself.And have i changed that lot.
It seems that life wasn't always right for me.What i wish for the good,turned out otherwise for the others.We should be happy for the others in whatever they do,and not frown when they are not there for them.The support we give them,will be blessed back by in whatever we do.Be it family,friends,girlfriends,acquaintance.A little concern shown will eventually be noticed by anyone in your surroundings.Life is'nt perfect for everyone.Definetly not mine.Is yours?
Be it not a perfect life,for me,I'm gradually regaining back my happiness back knowing that i have friends who showed real care and concern for me.I feel the warmth and gratitude that i get from my friends.Thanks. =)
Walking after you
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Karma
That was how i felt today.I should disturb people less,and make more logical statements. -.-
No one ever takes me seriously anymore.Everything i do is a joke to everyone.How am i supposed to move on?
Faith won't compromise
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Betrayed.
That was how i feel and have been thinking after our breakup
It seems all so stupid that i left my family for you.I was there for you to take car of you in the hospital. But hey,guess what?
I feel like the most stupidest guy to do ever such a thing and that is to be with you.And to think that i should get back together with you just because i was with you.You took that damn long to realise my affections for you.I took the liberty to get my priorities right and taking advices from friends.And yea.I was just plain stupid.dumb.moron.foolish.brainless.obtuse.can i say more?For someone whom she thinks she loves believes another person whom is trying to break up her relationship with me?I cant accept a person whom i love have not trust and faith in me that i put in as well for the other person.
I really guess this is where it may really ends.
Leave me now, think its a better thing to do
Monday, October 15, 2007
This must be the worst hari raya of my life.
I did not spend any hari raya with my family at all this year when i should be. If you were to put it any statement, i guess i may have ran away from home yet again to be with her who has been hospitalised, just right after i had posted the previous post. Should i be happy that i am spending time with her,just after our breakup to see her through her unforseen last minute operation or should i rather be happy that i should spend it with my family?
I cant decide which is more important.
The last thing i would see will be...
Friday, October 12, 2007
'Good things you have done will never be lost, your kind act takes root and every bit of love you show will come right back to you for God knows you have a good heart'
This was the first few words where our relationship started.
But to what extent has it now lasts to? Texting me 3.02 am in the morning, on the eve of Hari Raya.
' I think we have to cool off for a while and get our minds cleared before we ever get back on track'
I have not slept since and you have been on my mind since. Coming to school on such a low note on the eve of the most exciting day of the year on the Islam's calender. I almost broke down.Breaking into what i almost couldn't imagine what i could be.
And there,my friends and classmates looked at me,Me who seems so ever distraught and 'emo'.The care and concern that they gave me,i thank you all for your support.
It seems so much of a contradiction to what you pretty much said to me. Read between the lines and i could tell so much of your feelings towards me. Trust in what has said to be the most important thing to have a successful relationship didnt seem to be present in our relationship.Instead,you have trusted that bastard Sazali whom is out to see our relationship fall apart.Why must you do this to me at this point of time?I thought my life was beginning to pick up from the recent misadventures of life.Tomorrow is the festive day.What i had thought to that perhaps i may enjoy tomorrow seems to dissipate into thin air.Thin air that i am not able to breathe.You were my oxygen,my life,my everything.
An bigger asshole Sazali is.He better not look back on what he did because he knows that my friends are already going to look up for him. You got the wrong guy to mess with man.Prepare yourself by packing up man cause you know you will eventually end up in the hospital you son of a bitch. Don't you dare look back.Don't you dare.
But having said all these,am i man enought to put the blame on Sazali?I was not there when she failed her exams.Who was there when she needed someone?Sazali was. Who was there when her she fought with her mum? Sazali was. Who was there when i fought with her? Yet again, Sazali was. Where was I? Too busy out pubbing and partying?Thinking that getting drunk almost every week was cool.COOL MY ASS.I find it all bullshit now upon reflecting.It seems all clear to me that i am not man enough to put the blame everything on Sazali.
I should reflect upon myself on what i should have and have not done.Maybe i am not the kind of guy whom i used to be.I'm still picking up the pieces of my broken life.There are just so many confessions which i wish i could say but no.Let my life try to continue its path.Maybe God has its reasons on why he gave me the second chance to live again .This is reality.
Watching it all fall apart.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
wahhhhh fuckkk.
seriously man.i hate sales management module.the damn blardy botak richard thai faci.he think he like so many bad grades to spare people.cibai sia!!!!!
and also too the many people who view my blog.i want to make it clear that my blog is NOT very emo -.- no one can understand the life i've been through except for my very close friends.what you see of me is just only 10% of my life.i am more troubled and always feeling unsecured to the many things that is around me.
Always All Ways (Apologies Glances and Messed Up Chances)
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Enjoy my days as much and while i can
We do everything once in our lives
Partying and 'pubbing' non-stop for the past few days has made me realised that there are so much more things in stored for our lives.
As i sit here again at the Balcony Bar (i feel so cheated la,went yesterday and today got promotion offer.CB!) with my friends and her =) i feel that i could let go of myself and release all the tension that i have been having with them. It really sucks to know when one of your friends tries to steal your girlfriend time and time again.Lessons that are to be learnt are never repented as the way it was supposed to be.Well,what can i say.Friends come and go.And some,you just know when is the right time to let go.
You were my best friend but now you have gone away.Too many conflicts has been resolved.Too many fights has been fought.Too many fond memories has last.All the truth has been revealed.You are no longer blacklisted by the police.It gives every reason to smile on me,on them and of course,on you.
Wherever you are,be my guardian.Take care bro.I'll never forget you.
Muhammad Khairulnizam Bin Abdul Rashid - 1985 - 2007.
Compassions in my nature,tonight is our last stand
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Be with me always till i part from this world.
Everything she does inspires, no regrets
